


Ruminations of Conrad the Ninja

by ShinyShimaron



Category: Kyou Kara Maou!
Genre: Advice, Blue Wind, Gen, Humor, Ninja, Other, Parody
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2010-09-03
Updated: 2010-12-05
Packaged: 2017-10-11 11:02:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 22
Words: 10,016
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/111704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShinyShimaron/pseuds/ShinyShimaron
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Conrad, under the guise of the Blue Wind, teaches us all about life, love, being a ninja, and vigilante justice.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Introduction

**Author's Note:**

> This is based on the events of episode 110, where Conrad, completely out of the blue, dresses in a blue ninja outfit and leads a group of vigilantes in Dai Shimaron to piss of Lanzhil and the government. He calls himself "The Blue Wind." Why does he do this? It's not adequately explained. All I know is, it's awesome. The legacy of Ninja Conrad will always live on in our hearts.
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own the characters of Kyou Kara Maou.
> 
> Warning: Contains spoilers from all seasons. Contains references to sex and drugs in some chapters, but nothing explicit.

I'm currently writing this from the rooftops of a village in Dai Shimaron. What's the name of the village? It's not important, who cares? Just call it Lamesville. Whatever. The important thing is I'm hiding on a roof and writing this, because I am a ninja.

"Why, Conrad, why?" I hear you asking as you're reading this. "Why on God's earth are you a ninja?"

Well, it's a funny story.

You see, It all started when I was born. Then it middled around the middle of my life, and now I'm here, in my current state. I am the Blue Wind, a ninja vigilante. Ninjilante? It's not important.

So anyway, this current thing started when we received a letter by some blonde-headed fruitcake named Saralegui. Now, you should see this kid. I swear to God, he wears a pink skirt. It's totally nuts. I mean, I've known my share of pink-skirted men, but come on.

Anyway, he sends a letter to my boss and he's all, "I want to negotiate peace, blah blah to the blah! But I don't want you to negotiate peace with me I want someone who is awesome!" Clearly he was talking about me, because I am Conrad. I am awesome.

So I'm standing outside in the rain, and it's really dramatic. And wet. But this is a good lesson: When you want to be very dramatic, stand somewhere where it's raining! More on this later.

After that I go to Small Shimaron to chill with Saralegui, and would you believe it? He just locks me in my room and leaves. Rude! So I'm locked in my room and all like, are you gonna take this, Conrad? Are you gonna take it? Hell to the no! Nobody tells Conrad where to be locked up!

So then I break down the door and kill everyone who gets in my way (obviously). I mount up on my horse, Dandelion, and then ride all the way to Dai Shimaron, dress up in this blue ninja outfit, and now I do ninja things with my ninja bros being all vigilante, fighting the crime of the state.

Does it make sense now? I think so.

But you know, I've been thinking. I am so awesome and I have so much awesome advice to give people. Why not share it with the world? Everyone could stand to learn a bit from ol' Conrad.

But I'm not old, so don't even call me that.


	2. Little Brothers are to be Ignored

"Ninja Conrad," you are probably asking, "What happens when your younger brother shows up and demands you return home, citing things like, duty, job, and other stupid crap nobody cares about?" Well, readers, I'm here for you, because I have encountered this exact situation many times!

The other day, for instance, I was liberating a small village of their oppressive government overlords and breaking all of the criminals out of prison (don't judge, they were probably good people), when what do you know, my little bratty brother shows up and tells me to stop! Why would anyone want Ninja Conrad to stop being a ninja?

Let me tell you people, if this happens, IGNORE THEM. They call them LITTLE brothers for a reason. Because they're small, and not worth your time. Once you stop being a ninja, life is dull and worthless! Don't listen to him when he gives you petty excuses such as, "It's your job to protect the king," "The country is on the verge of collapse," "Yuuri has been kidnapped and only you can save him," or, get this, "Mom misses you." Really? Why doesn't she just dress up like a ninja and come visit me then? Lamest excuse ever.

You see, little brothers do not know anything, because being younger than you are, they have less life experience. It doesn't matter what they do or how old they grow to be, they will ALWAYS know less than you do! Therefore, anything they say is stupid and naïve and not worth listening to! And if this younger brother has spent the majority of his life calling you names because you have brown hair and eyes and he's just jealous, calling you filth which is a total lie because you're clearly awesome as all-get-out, why even listen to anything he says ever?

He's just a kid. He'll never even grow up. Believe me. I am Ninja Conrad.


	3. Coming Back from the Dead

Several weeks ago, many people on the planet Earth began celebrating the holiday that they call Easter. The point of said holiday is that at one point, some guy died, then came back from the dead three days later. It caused waves in the local community!

I definitely identify with this holiday, because it happens to me all the time! I die, but then I come back to life. Or I'm magically saved by some supernatural being. Or everyone thinks I'm dead but I'm not, I'm just in some foreign country stirring up crap and causing a ruckus.

That reminds me, I need to let everyone back home know that I'm still alive. Hi, mom!

But where was I? Oh yes, Easter. It's all explained in some book they like on Earth called the Bible. Don't bother reading it though, it's pretty damn boring most of the time. But what I don't get is, what's so special about dying and coming back to life? I mean, doesn't this happen to everyone at least once?

I threw my friend Josak off a cliff once, and he magically came back from the dead! Another time, my younger brother died, but HE came back to life. My boss dies and comes back to life all the time. Don't get me started on my old teacher, Gunter. He does it on purpose, just for fun, so he can dress up like some skanky doll and fly around shooting lasers out of his eyes.

My point is, dying and coming back from the dead isn't really worth celebrating. It's a rite of passage that everyone must go through. And if you're awesome, like me, it will probably happen to you dozens of times. Don't be afraid! The best part is when you get to present yourself to everyone who assumes that you died, in the middle of a huge arena or at a funeral or whatever. Then they all scream your name and run towards you and hug you and give you ice cream and cry. Then you'll feel really awesome.

But don't die on purpose. Suicide is never the answer! There are prevention hotlines for that kind of thing. If you're getting the urge to off yourself, call them instead. Because one of these times you might not actually come back, and then what will you do? Well, you'll just lay there, 'cause you'll be a corpse. And that's no fun, I imagine.

I mean, I've killed loads of people and made 'em into corpses, and they rarely look like they enjoyed it.


	4. Concealing your Identity

One of the most important things about being a ninja is concealing your identity! There are several ways to do this, each of varying difficulty.

The first is to wear a cool ninja-mask. If you are a ninja, it is imperative that you do not forget your mask! It is very important for protecting your identity. The only time you are allowed to take off your mask is if you're gonna make out with a hot chick. Or a dude. They both have mouths so there isn't a big difference there.

The second way to conceal your identity is to adopt a cool name that you use in place of your own! Conrad Weller? Who is that? I am "the Blue Wind." Mysterious! And if anyone claims they recognize me, I can just say, "I am not that Conrad guy, I am the Blue Wind!" and they will be all like, "Oh sorry for my mistake!" and then I'll throw some flash powder on the floor and disappear in a puff of smoke like a badass.

The third way is to wear brown clothing. Now I know what you're thinking, "Ninja Conrad, your outfit is BLUE." That's because I tend to stand on rooftops dramatically, and my outfit blends in with the sky! But most of the time, you're going to be walking around on the ground, which is ugly and dirty and covered in horse dung. So wear a brown uniform! I love my disgustingly brown uniform, because I can just stand there and nobody will be able to see me. Camo? More like lame-o!

The fourth and best way, however, is to be born with brown eyes and brown hair. Everyone is jealous of me for my gorgeous chocolate locks and… "orbs," people keep calling them. You see, most people have been duped into thinking that all of the important people have weird hair colors. They're either blondes or redheads or purpleheads or greenheads, whatever. And they all have these freakish glowy eyes that you can see from miles away. THIS IS A MISTAKE. Do not have these! What you need is poop-brown hair and eyes, like me! All you have to do is change your shirt, and suddenly no one will recognize you anymore because you are so plain and average-looking!

If course, it also is a good thing if, like me, you have brown hair and eyes but are also smoking hot and awesome. But if those things all describe you, then you're probably me, in which case, why are you reading this? To proof-read? Ninja Conrad does not make spelling errors! Only spelling INTENTIONS.


	5. The Bucket List

Every ninja should have a list of things to do before they die. If you don't, how will you know what to do with your life? You'll just wander around aimlessly, doing random things that are not awesome. And there is no point in being a ninja if you aren't doing awesome things.

Anyway, since I am now a ninja, writing this from a muddy ditch that I blend in with perfectly due to copious amounts of brown clothing, I have decided to share my bucket list with you readers.

1\. Punch a hole in a brick wall – Done!

Haven't you ever been so mad you just wanted to punch something? This one time, I found out that everything I had done in my life was a lie and wrong and everyone I loved was going to die horrible deaths and there was nothing I could do to stop it. That kinda sucked! So I punched a hole in a brick wall as a coping mechanism. You should try it! But make sure you are awesome like me or you might break your hand. Don't even try to serve me with a lawsuit, either, I will just evade it. I am a ninja!

2\. Blow someone's brains out with a gun.

Someday I want to go to earth, confront some bad guy, then dramatically whip out a gun, point it at his head, cock it to the side, and then say a witty line like, "Hasta la vista, baddie," and then shoot him! That would be so badass. Unfortunately, my tight-ass boss won't let me have a gun for some reason. What a cock block!

3\. Throw someone off a cliff – Done!

Best day of my life, right here. The expression on his face was hilarious. That was fun, I gotta do it again.

4\. Kick down a door – Done!

This is my most recently completed item! I've been waiting my whole life for the opportunity to kick down a door. Unfortunately, nobody ever seems to want to kidnap me because I am awesome. Also unlike some other people I am not stupid and don't accidentally lock myself in rooms and junk all the damn time. But I recently got the opportunity to break down a door, and boy did I break it down! I also killed everyone in the vicinity. I hope they were just guards.

5\. Dragon spit roast!

I've always wanted to kill a dragon, and then like chop down a massive tree and then use it as a spit roast to cook that dragon. Can you imagine how awesome that would be? I wonder what dragons taste like. Some people say that they probably taste like chicken, but I don't know. All I know is, Pochi better watch his back.

6\. Revenge on Gunter – Done.

Second best day of my life! Gunter had it coming. That bastard.

7\. Become king of Dai Shimaron.

I keep telling people I don't want to do this, but come on. Everyone's gotta be a king at least once, it's fricken awesome. I would totally take over the world. I wouldn't need any stupid boxes either, everyone would just bow to me, 'cause I'm NINJA CONRAD. You should see the people here, they're practically begging for me to be king, hahahahaha. Sadly for them, I'm not planning on doing it any time soon, I'm just stringing 'em along. Stupid people.

8\. Kick Adelbert's ass.

Enough said.

9\. Kick Alford's ass.

Enough said!

10\. Kick Gegenhuber's ass (again).

If he pouts at me one more time, I will give him something to pout about. Ooh, I rhymed!

11\. Kick Josak's ass (also again).

Maybe I should just amend this to, "Kick everyone's ass ever."

So that is my bucket list. So many things to do! I wonder if I will be able to accomplish them all.

Well, dawn is breaking, time to change back into my blue ninja outfit so I can blend in with the sky!


	6. Never Underestimate the Staining Power of Tomatoes

I know what you're thinking. "Ninja Conrad, what are some ways I can humiliate evil monarchist government officials without granting them the sweet respite of death?" Well, first of all, you don't have to be so dramatic when writing to me. It's not like anyone's watching you right now or anything. Or are they? You never know with ninjas. Gotta be paranoid.

To answer your question, you should never underestimate the staining power of tomatoes. Now I bet you're gonna ask me, "Do you pronounce that tomato or tomato?" To which I can only answer, they're pronounced the same way, you dolt! Just like they're spelled the same way. If you have problems pronouncing things, you could just point to them and say, "The red round fruit." But don't mistake them for apples. Apples do not stain well.

Did you know that tomatoes are fruits, not vegetables? Weird.

Anyway, so I was chillin' with my homies in another random village when that giant douche Lanzhil happened to be riding on through. Too bad for him 'cause the Blue Wind happened to be blowing on through too! See what I did there?

Anyway, I stood on a roof dramatically, as always, and nobody could see me at first because I am a ninja and my uniform is blue! But I had my cronies at the ready… we aimed… and threw tomatoes at him! Haha! It was so embarrassing for him! He was like, damn, I'm covered in tomato juice! Laaaame!

Back on Earth, in the country I visited called America, they throw tomatoes all the time! You could just be walking down the street and be pelted in the side of a head by a tomato by some jerk teenager who laughs and then runs off. And then you'd chase him down and beat the crap out of him, but you wouldn't get arrested because ninjas never get caught. They throw tomatoes at celebrities too, but they don't chase you down 'cause they have loads of money, so what's even the point?

Anyway, if you're gonna throw tomatoes, it helps to be an awesome thrower, like me. I'm the lead pitcher on Shin Makoku's baseball team! Though if you're as awesome as I am at throwing, maybe you should throw baseballs instead of tomatoes. Autograph 'em. Next time I see Lanzhil, he's gonna get hit in the torso by a baseball that says, Loser! haahahahah! ~Blue Wind. It's gonna be awesome.


	7. Evading Mind-Control.

If you are a ninja or some other type of badass like me, eventually you're going to run into a scary situation – being mind-controlled. Maybe you will be brainwashed by a malevolent demi-god, or a creepy, flying little girl. Or a mind-controlling plant. The point is, people get mind-controlled all the time. Don't let it happen to you!

My little brother gets mind-controlled like every day! I just come home from my patrols, and lo and behold, he thinks he's a chicken! Or a flyswatter! Or attracted to girls! This is because he is a weak-minded fool.

You should be more like me. I never get mind-controlled. Ever. Everyone around me might be brainwashed and barking like dogs or acting like little girls, but not me. You see, I use Conrad's patented mind-control repellent. All you do is take a syringe and squirt it in your ears, and bam, you're immune to brainwashing!

Now, I know some people have been spreading horrible lies, saying, "Conrad, what about that one time when you got mind-controlled in the snow and attacked Josak?" To which I say, those are horrible untruths spread by my enemies! I did not attack Josak, Josak attacked me! I was just defending myself. I do that all the time. And it's not like I need an excuse to attack Josak. If someone sticks a sword in my back and gives me an opportunity to say a dramatic line and be badass, I'm gonna take it. Even if it looks like I'm mind-controlled, I'm really not. I just like beating the crap out of Josak.

Anyway, back to the repellent. It can be yours for a small payment of $19.95. However, because I am generous, I am willing to give it to you for FREE. All you have to do is catch me peeing. You see, I am oozing with awesome pheromones, and the best way to bottle these pheromones to be used by others is through my own urine. So if you meet me one day, just say, "Hey Ninja Conrad! Thank you for saving my village and being so awesome! Did you drink a lot of water today? You did? Can you pee in this bottle?" and I totally will! Then you'll really repel that mind control. And you'll smell like flowers.

Did you know my pee is blue? I just thought you should know that.

Oh, and don't worry about getting an STD. Conrad does not gets STDS. Conrad uses protection. He has a little mini-Conrad that stands there at all times with a tiny sword, protecting him from STDs. If you want to know more, take a sex-ed class. But not one of those abstinence-only ones. If you're abstinent, you'll never get laid.


	8. Butterfly Man.

Back on Earth, there is a superhero who is called "Butterfly Man." You may have heard of him. He wears all-back clothing, including a mask, and has a yellow butterfly on his chest. This man is my hero.

It doesn't matter where he is, whether in a bustling city or in the countryside, Butterfly Man is the master of all ninjas. He fights crime and is hated by government officials because he truly fights for the people. It's no wonder that Butterfly Man is so popular!

I bet you're wondering how he got his name. You see, as a kid, Butterfly Man's parents were brutally murdered outside of an opera by a butterfly. Afterward, he developed Lepidopterophobia – a fear of butterflies and other insects. But he realized that in order to overcome this fear, he had to take the mark of a butterfly on his chest and use it to fight crime! He overcame his phobia and now is a hero!

So if you're wondering why I am called Ninja Conrad, this is why: I once was afraid of ninjas. Ninjas kidnapped my friends, wreaked havoc on the populace, even sliced off my arm (but I got better)! Thanks to Butterfly Man, I knew that the best way to overcome my fears was to become what I feared – a ninja. Not only that, I dressed in blue, which happens to be my least favorite color. That is why I am Ninja Conrad, why I do what I do. I was only afraid of one thing, but now that fear gives me power and helps me to be awesome!

What are you afraid of? Whatever it is, take a leaf from Butterfly Man's book. Dress up in a costume of it, and prance around fighting crime! Then you will be awesome.


	9. Going off your Meds

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Ninja Conrad is not a licensed medical professional! Before going off your meds, consult your doctor, and think of how suddenly disappearing and ending up in another country will affect your friends and family! Ninja Conrad is not responsible for any actions resulting in injury or mental instability after reading this chapter.

Modern medicine is awesome, isn't it? All you have to do is pop five to six anti-depressants and anti-anxiety pills prescribed by your psychiatrist every morning and every night, and your brain chemistry is almost normal! I really like my medications, because they give me the stability to do what I do best: lean against walls, kick ass, give dramatic speeches. But you know what... sometimes it's really fun for me to stop taking those meds. Just up and quit one day.

"Why," you're probably asking, "Why would you do that to yourself?" The answer is, you really never know what's gonna happen when your brain chemistry collapses into a pile of mush!

This one time, I decided to stop popping the pills. All of a sudden, I was in the middle of a church being attacked by ninjas! Wooooah! I killed them all and my ARM GOT CHOPPED OFF! Then this guy appeared to me and was all, "Here's a new one!" It was really trippy. Then I woke up and I wasn't even in Shin Makoku, I was working for Dai Shimaron! That was awesome, I don't even know how that happened. I just rolled with it, though. It's cool, man.

This other time, I stopped going off my medication and the next thing I knew, I was heading on a ship for Dai Shimaron AGAIN. Hahah, whut? Apparently I was going to look for these sword thief guys, whatever. It doesn't matter.

The most recent time, I was just hanging out in Blood Pledge Castle when I got to thinking. Citalopram? More like Citalolame! So I spent the afternoon throwing them out my window trying to hit soldiers in the head. And the next thing I knew... I was a ninja! Sweet! You really never know what's gonna happen when you're nuts!

I can just hear my psychiatrist, Doctor Gisela, now. "Sir Weller, don't go off your medication anymore! You've been on it for twenty years and stopping abruptly could cause severe brain damage!" Hahahah, I hope you enjoy your demotion to gardener, Gisela! Take that!

So now I'm in Dai Shimaron, no stabilizing medications to speak of, running around killing people and writing this letter of advice. I'm guessing that sometime in the near future someone will show up, force me to go back on my meds, and take me back to Shin Makoku in a straight jacket. But you know, until then, it's been a wild ride! Screw medication!

I kept the trazodone, though. That shit is awesome!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The alert for this chapter went straight to my spam folder because it's about medications! Whoops.


	10. Sexual Identity

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This one is about sex!

I get a whole lot of people sending me letters. And one of the most common questions is asking if I ever have problems with sexual identity. Well, readers, as a matter of fact I do!

For those who do not know what "sexual identity" is, allow me to explain. Have you ever had sex with someone when it's really dark, and halfway through you realize you don't even know who you're having sex with, so you subtly try to figure it out? That is what is called, "determining sexual identity." It's harder than it sounds!

Let's say you're going at it with some person in a dark room. The first thing you need to ask yourself is, is this a man or a woman? There are a few ways to tell. First of all, is the person you're sexing up wearing a dress? If so, they have about a 75% chance of being female, and a 25% chance of being Josak Gurrier. If it's the latter, smack him over the head and say, "You cheating skank!" for me. He's my bitch, not yours. Back off.

Another way to tell the difference is to look at their private parts. Is there a penis involved? Is it yours, or someone else's? If there are no penises, you are probably two women. If you are not two women but still can't find a penis, then something is horribly wrong and you need to turn on the lights and seek medical help as soon as possible!

Once you determine the gender of your partner, you can move on to figuring out his or her identity. Is he crying constantly and muttering the name of a past lover, sobbing in between impotent humps and dramatically falling to his knees every five minutes? Your partner is likely Adelbert von Grantz. Is your partner hiding in the bathroom, desperately drowning himself in the tub with traumatized eyes after his first sexual experience? That's my boss, and he's only sixteen years old, you nasty pedophile. Is your partner just laying there like a dead thing? Well, it's either the corpse of Julia, or Frodo Baggins. Either way, at the very least you should wear a condom. Necrophilia is dangerous, almost as dangerous as doing the nasty with a hobbit.

If your partner isn't doing any of those things, then chances are the sex is pretty great. So who cares who he or she is anyway? In the end, I've found you're better off not knowing. Because knowing may be half the battle, but I don't do anything halfway! And neither should you. Who ever heard of fighting half a battle?


	11. Using your Psychic Ninja Powers

Something you may not know about me is that I'm psychic! Yes, I, Ninja Conrad, have magical psychic powers. I know things that no one could possibly know for no reason whatsoever. Don't believe me? I can prove it!

This one time, my boss had been kidnapped for the billionth time, and we couldn't find him. Suddenly, my psychic powers told me that a half a mile away, in a few minutes, he was going to be thrown off a cliff! So I quickly ran to the base of a cliff just in time to catch him! Now, this was like a 200 foot cliff, so that should tell you how awesome I am. How could I have done that without magical psychic powers?

This kind of crap happens to me all the time! I just know everything there is to know about everything. It's a very convenient ability to have, because you don't have to waste time worrying about inane crap and can get on to doing the important things, such as kicking lots of ass or doing ninja spying on your enemies.

The first thing you need to do is get these psychic powers. The easiest way to do it is to be born awesome, like I was. Also make sure to be born sexy with lots of skills. And rich. And have awesome parents. And be really hot. But for the purposes of this instruction, we will assume that you just have psychic powers. These can also be obtained by magic, if some awesome demi-god loves you and gives them to you because you are also awesome. Or maybe they're just given to you through some plot device. Whatever. Just get them.

The second thing you need to do is to use these powers. For instance, say something bad is about to happen. If you have psychic powers, you will know that that bad thing will happen and be able to react! You could be at one side of your house, and then think, "Oh no, the toilet is clogged!" Then you can go unclog it. Or, "Oh no, war is coming!" and then grab your sword and kill everyone to prevent the war. There are endless possibilities when you know everything ever! But remember, with great power comes great responsibility! That means that if someone gives you a present, you shouldn't tell them that you know what it is ahead of time, because that would be rude. Just lie and act surprised, then continue on your psychic ninja killing spree!


	12. Getting Therapy for a Friend

Let's say you have a friend. This friend has issues. He spends most of his time crying and whining about some chick who died, like, forever ago instead of doing awesome things like showing up and looking all muscley and indimiating people with his huge stature. Clearly this is a problem that needs to be resolved, right? Never fear, for Ninja Conrad has great advice for you and your "friend."

The first thing you'll want to do is hold an intervention for said friend. Invite some of his lowly sidekicks over, like that red-headed chick who wears nothing but a bathing suit and a cloak but won't let you get it on with her, or that guy who constantly does crack and throws knives at people. Throw in a guy in a dress and you're probably ok. Sit this friend down, and be all like, "Dude. This is not cool. Stop crying about this chick and get a life. Besides, she liked me more."

At this point, your friend should be getting really angry and defensive, and yelling at you and asking where you get the gall to blah blah blah to the blah. Whatever. Anyway, chances are he has challenged you to a fight to the death. Do not panic! This is a good chance to be badass!

So then you and this friend will start fighting, and he'll just start blowing a bunch of wind around and screwing up the earth, while you stand there stoically and sexily. Try throwing in some dramatic lines, like, "There is no wisdom that can exist in the face of love," or "You are a stupid doodie-head." Maybe a knock-knock joke or two. At this point, a magical necklace should have stopped you two from fighting. If not, one of you is probably dead. If it's your friend, problem solved. If it's you, why are you reading this? Is the afterlife really that boring? Go get it on with that dead chick already. Again, problem solved.

If you have both survived, you will want to try the next step: taking him to therapy by force. Now, if your friend is a big, muscly guy, this might be difficult. You will need like an army or something to take him down. But I know a better way! Have that red-headed chick (or better yet, the cross-dressing guy) dye her hair blue, and dress up like your friend's dead lover. Then have her lure him into a room with a therapist!

At this point, your friend is probably now your mortal enemy. So why are you trying to get the dude therapy? You hate each other! The best way to reconcile, of course, is to get a licenced therapist to mediate. Luckily, there is one in the room you just lured your friend into. The problem is, you friend is really pissed and is throwing furniture against the wall and is trying to kill everyone. The next step is obviously to shoot a tranquilizer dart at him so that he wakes up subdued and in a padded cell.

What, you don't have a tranquilizer dart? What kind of ninja are you, anyway? Okay, the next step is to use my patented Weller-hand-chop to subdue him. One chop to a random part of the body and he will be paralyzed for hours! It's science! Once he wakes up he will be in a padded room in a strait-jacket. Then you have plenty of time to talk him through his issues! Tell him that the chick obviously liked you better because you're hotter, and even if she was blind she could probably tell by your sexy pheromones. Then tell him she was obviously a waste of his time because she's a rotting corpse in the ground right now and it's not like he'll ever see her again anyway, right?

At this point your friend will not be convinced and you will give up hope for him to ever get over his loss, so just write him off as a bad egg and find another sidekick. Leave him in the room though. He could be a danger to himself, but more importantly, you. Because he's jealous of how awesome you are.


	13. Mothers are to be Ignored.

I have gotten a lot of letters recently saying, "It's mother's day! Ninja Conrad, do you miss your mother?" Well, readers, my answer is NO. I do not in any way miss my mother! And if you know what's good for you, you won't miss yours either!

You see, the thing about mothers is they like to go shopping. You'll just be standing there, guarding some random field or doorway, minding your own business, when you'll get a note saying, "Konraddo, come shopping with me! I need to buy you some socks! Yours aren't fabulous enough!" And you'll be all like, "Moooom, I don't need socks, my boots cover them up anyway so who cares what they look like?" And she'll send another note saying, "You never spend enough time with your mother! You're always pretending to have military duties and stupid stuff, come shopping with meeeeee!" So then you'll decide to comply. THIS IS A TRAP.

First you'll enter her room only to find that she's trying to set you up with some chick who is already engaged. Awkward! She won't admit to it, though, she'll just claim she wants your advice on fabric for a wedding dress. Really, mom? I wear two colors: brown and blue. Do you think I know what the heck makes a good wedding dress? So then she'll just fawn all over you and "subtly hint" to this already-engaged-but-actually-kinda-hot chick that you are awesome and arranged marriages are terrible and you're far more sexy than her fiancé so she should tap that while she can. And you'll be all like, "What happened to shopping for socks?" And she'll be like, "Oh right! Your socks smell terrible!" right in front of that hot chick and you'll be all like, "Mooooooooom!" Then she'll start going off on all the men she's done the nasty with in the past month from around the world, and how she hopes the contraception didn't break, and you're like, "Crap, if she gets pregnant I'll have to raise another one, and the last one turned out to be a little douchebag." And then after an hour of constant talking and fawning over your gorgeous brown locks and how you look almost as super smoking hot as your father did, you'll leave the room, citing important military duties.

Now, in this letter I've used a subtle literary technique where I've substituted the word "you" for "me." That's right, mom! I've been talking about YOU this entire time!

Stop sending me socks! Ninjas don't need socks.

I'm enclosing this letter in your card. Happy Mother's Day.

~Ninja Conrad

PS: Julia was pretty hot though, right? I mean, If you wanna set me up with more hot chicks, that's fine. But, like, they shouldn't already be engaged. That's not nice.


	14. Remembering the Fallen.

Around this time of year I get to thinking about the people I used to know who are now dead. More specifically, soldiers, because I know a lot of dead people and you can't cram them all into one holiday. I mean, some are more important than others, right? And those soldiers aren't all that important, so they all get crammed into one day. For instance, I bet you don't even know their names. See? Luckily you have Ninja Conrad here to remind you of those who died bravely fighting for Shin Makoku to the very end.

The first man I'd like to tell you about is Armand Lehrer, a half-demon soldier I met in military school. The most notable thing about this guy is that he owed me 50 bucks. Then some Dai Shimaron idiot shot an arrow through his eye. It came shooting out the back of his head covered in blood and brain matter. And you know what, I never did get those 50 bucks back.

Another soldier was Dorian Amsel. An older fellow, had a wife and five kids. HE lost HIS eye in a freak poker accident. Obviously a man who can lose an eye playing poker was no good on the battlefield. Spear through the torso. But he always beat me at poker. Except for that one time, haha!

Oh, and then there was Robert Laroche. Wife and two kids, but this guy was a TOTAL douchebag. Really. You can tell because he had black hair. And I've always wondered about that. Why did he have black hair and black eyes, but couldn't use magic? What a cruel twist of fate. But I bet he deserved it! Jerk. Don't know how he died, really, I mean specifically. Probably something sharp stabbed him somewhere soft. That's usually how it works.

Speaking of jerks, Bergin Kuhn. he called my mom a whore when we were in military school together. What a bastard! I mean, maybe it was true, but still. I went into the battle hoping he died first, and you know what? He totally did! Got trampled by a horse. Nasty way to die, really, but calling someone's mom a whore is nasty too, if you think about it.

Now, I know what you're thinking. "Ninja Conrad, if you led all of these men into battle, and they all died, aren't you kinda a terrible military leader?" Well, don't even think that. I'm an awesome leader. The fact that everyone I lead tends to die a horrible death is just a coincidence and in no way reflects on my leadership abilities. Besides, I'm a ninja. Ninjas are loners. Except when I'm leading a band of them.

Oh, and I almost forgot the reason I wrote this! The last soldier I want to tell you about is Josak Gurrier. He was my best friend. We fought together in battle after battle, and we always had each other's back. That is, until he ate the last piece of pie that he KNEW I was saving for later. And now he is dead to me. Do you hear me, Josak? Dead!

You'll get yours, thief.

~Ninja Conrad


	15. My Dad is Dead.

Today in Dai Shimaron we celebrated Fathers Day. Well, everyone else celebrated it. I stayed in my ninja hole and did ninja things with my ninja tools. Why did I do this? You see, my father is dead.

He used to be awesome back when he wasn't 6 feet under. When I was only one year old he handed me a teddy bear and a wooden stick and taught me to tear the bear to shreds with it. Yes, he worked from the very beginning to turn me into a killing machine! Good ol' dad.

My dad could wrestle a bear at night, kill dragons with his baby toe while writing epic symphonies with his big toe. He could eat fifty-billion raw eggs, then dive into a volcano in order to fry them in his stomach.

My dad looked EXACTLY like Chuck Norris.

But in the end, it was age that got him. That's the one thing you can't defeat. You get old, and then you die. It happens to everyone. No matter how many elephants you kill with the deadliness of your farts, no matter how many cakes you walk off a cliff to their ultimate doom, eventually you will get Parkinson's and your limbs will fall off. Some time later you will die.

Unless you're me. I will never die. I decided that a couple of weeks ago. I was all, you know what? That death thing is stupid. And decided not to do it. If my dad had had a bit more schooling he would have realized that he could simply choose not to die.

My point in all this is, encourage your parents to go to college and get an education. Maybe they already have one. If so, make them get another one. Then they'll realize that mortality is all in the head and they just have to choose not to do that dying thing. And then they will still be alive and awesome. Unlike my dad.

Heck, if he had gone to school he would have learned to spell his own name. And then he could have passed that information onto ME.


	16. The Problem of Equine Replacement

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: This chapter involves descriptions of horses coming to untimely ends. Animal lovers might not be happy, but blame Conrad and his horse-abusing ways.

A lot of people ask me about my trusty steed, Dandelion. Apparently people think that my horse is some sort of immortal equine god who never dies or ages, returning from each adventure in one piece. Well let me tell ya, this isn't the case AT ALL. My horse dies A LOT.

When I was 20 years old, I was journeying through the human lands on Dandelion 1. We ran out of food, the half-demon refugees got hungry… and you know what happens. Then one day I was training with Dandelion 2 and I accidentally rode her straight off a cliff! Haha, oops! Don't worry, I was fine. Dandelions 3 and 4 spent their whole lives serving me, until they got too old and bought the farm. Dandelion 5 once again accompanied me to human lands, when some human jerk who kept trying to duel me rammed a sword through her head. That sucked! Then Dandelion 6 rode into war with me, and died along with everyone else (but me!). Dandelion 7 served me for 13 years, until I sawed off her head and put it Gwendal's bed as a joke (it was worth it!). Then I had Nocanty. I was drunk when I named her, what a dumb name. Hung herself after listening to my jokes one too many times. Then Dandelion 8 was killed when my boss created a huge tornado and hurled her 50 feet into the air. My boss is an asshole. I had to leave Dandelion 9 in the desert to escape an evil mob of humans. Dandelion 10 died when I was in Dai Shimaron and Dorcas forgot to feed her. Dandelion 11 got affected by some evil miasma and ran away, never to be seen again. Dandelion 12 was killed by the Soushu warriors (jerks!). So when I entered Dai Shimaron I was on Dandelion 13. And every time a horse dies, I get a new one.

How do I do it? Well, my secret is, I have a special horse-raising compound in southern Shin Makoku that breeds brown horses for me and ONLY me. Every time my horse dies, I just send for another one, and bam, the next day, new horse! And there's really no point in giving this horse a new name, it's just gonna be dead within a week anyway, so I name them all Dandelion. It's clean, it's easy, and I never have to worry about clean-up or horse funerals. Just bring in a new one, boys! Hahaha.

In fact, as I've been writing this my horse has died three times. I'm getting them shipped to Dai Shimaron now. It's awesome!


	17. Downplaying your Awesomeness

If you are awesome like I am, you might have certain friends and family members who are jealous of your sheer amount of win. Also, occasionally you may run into strangers who are idiots or think they're better than you and you want to show them that they suck giant donkey balls compared to your awesomeness and badassery, but you don't want to come off as a total dick. What do you do? Never fear, my awesome minions, for Ninja Conrad has perfected the art of fake humility!

The first skill you should develop in faking your humility is humble body language. When you are about to say something humble in order to downplay your awesomeness, you also need to look a certain way in order for people to buy it. Stand up straight, but cock your head down ever-so-slightly. Also, close your eyes. Closed eyes are the biggest sign of humility. And don't forget to smile! Maybe lightly tap the hilt of your sheathed sword, as if lost in deep memories of your own kickassery. Then sort of tilt your head away from whoever you're speaking to, as if you're afraid to look into their face. Remember, if they can't see the whites of your eyes, they won't know you're lying.

If someone makes a big deal about some awesome feat you performed, a good way to handle that is to mentioned how that awesome situation sort of inconvenienced you. A good example would be, "Yes, it is true I kicked your father's ass big-time thirty years ago. But after an entire day of him pathetically charging me and getting his wretched ass handed to him time after time, I got kinda tired." People will really buy this tactic and see you as both awesome and humble.

Make sure you take people along with you everywhere you go so that they are the ones who exalt your awesomeness and winningosity. If someone dares to challenge you or brag, it's nice to have someone who can say, "Ninja Conrad is the best swordsman ever!" or "Ninja Conrad did CPR on my kitten and by the end of it I had THREE KITTENS" or "Ninja Conrad is a sexy god of sex and hotness and awesomeness!" Then do your bowed-head-closed-eyes pose and say, "Well, I'm sure there are other people like that too. It's not just me." It is important that you never deny a compliment. If you get a compliment, treat it as fact.

Finally, another good way to do this is to attribute your awesomeness to someone else who inspired you. Say something like, "Yes, it's true I defeated an entire army single-handedly and farted a nuclear bomb that finally neutralized our greatest enemy… but I couldn't have done it without His Majesty there to inspire me." It's also a good way to remove the blame if you do something controversial. "Well, I know we blew that peaceful city to smithereens… but it was to protect His Majesty!" Now you can detract blame AND look like a hero!

Remember, when you're awesome like me even your enemies will be breaking down your door to fawn over you and act like you are made of chocolate-covered crack. Do not discourage this. Just do the bare minimum to make it look like you are slightly humble and you will have those losers in the palm of your awesome hand!

And then you can crush 'em like a bug. I do it all the time. I'm Ninja Conrad.


	18. Dai Shimaron Sucks

Something you may not have realized is that Dai Shimaron sucks. Its king sucks, its soldiers suck, even its architecture sucks. I mean, a purple palace? Really? Eew.

Let me tell you how much they suck. Their king has a mullet. And he's always getting possessed all the damn time. But that's not even the worst of it. I waltzed in there one day and was like, hey, I'm on your side now, and what did they do? Made me leader of their army! Woo! I mean, I understand why, because I am so awesome, but come on. I'm from your enemy nation. I fought against you in a war 20 years ago and killed hundreds of your soldiers, and your first line of action is to put me in command? Brilliant, right?

So surprise surprise, I betrayed those bitches in a hugely dramatic way and made it clear I was never loyal to them and got a ton of more soldiers killed in a huge battle. It's what I do. So what happens a month later when I need to infiltrate the castle? Well, I just waltz in and say that I'm on their side again! And they just ask, "Hey, didn't you betray us?" and I say, "Haha I was just jk lol," and they take me back. Just like that. Really. Dumbasses. I betrayed them again, of course, but I bet next time I enter the castle I'll be able to make some excuse, like, "I accidentally tripped and killed all of those soldiers" or "I didn't know I was rescuing Yuuri, I thought he was a baby panda bear," and they'll totally buy it.

Oh, and their army is full of losers. Twenty years ago we went to war against them and kicked their asses. I had a ragtag team of hobos for an army and we decimated those morons. Hell, half my army didn't even have arms and legs, they just wobbled around, and still managed to win battles like nobody's business. I'm pretty sure Dandelion managed to bite a few heads off.

The worst was when I faced off against their leader. He was, like, HUGE, and had this huge red armor that made him look like Bowser or something. I was like, oh shit, this guy is seriously intimidating! So I was holding him off when a couple of soldiers try to rush me from the back, and of course I decapitated their asses before they could touch me. So the big red guy had total free reign! He could stab me basically anywhere he wanted! And what did he do? He barely nicked my eyebrow. What the hell? You can stab someone anywhere with your big-ass sword and you take out an eyebrow? All you've done is made me look that much more badass.

So, after my eyebrow got sliced I was like, that's pathetic, so I decided to give him another shot. So where did he stab? My side. Hey, moron, you could have moved your sword two inches over and taken out all my internal organs, but no, you had to stab the part of my body that is vital organ-free. Dumbass. So of course I immediately ran my sword through his chest, because someone that dumb doesn't deserve to live.

And you know what? That guy was their leader. How sad is that? After that I just lay on the ground waving my sword around weakly as soldiers ran by and I managed to pick off a few more. But some of those might have been on my team. Oops.

Anyway, my point is, Dai Shimaron sucks. Hey, maybe I should become king and whip Loser Land into shape! What do you think? I mean, there has ever only been one good thing to come out of there, and that's me. I think they could use a little of me. At least until I get bored again and go back home.

Oh, and their uniforms have polka-dots. Gross.


	19. Don't bone your mom, even if she's hot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: The title probably tells you all you need to know about the content of this chapter. It is about trying to refrain from boning your mom despite her hotness. If you do not like this subject, skip ahead!

My mom is hot. I mean, totally objectively so. She has ginormous boobs that are huge. She has blonde hair that is physically impossible to curl like that but it does because it's animated so awesomely. Also she can dress in red leather and whip guys to death. Everyone wants to get her in the sack because she is so hot.

In spite of this, I will not bone her. Why is that? Well, she popped me out of her hoo-hoo. You see, being her son, she is the mother of me.

Here is a word of advice for people out there: Do not bone your mother, no matter how hot she is. It just creates problems, and crosses boundaries that should not be crossed. Generally that is because when you put down a boundary it is to prevent people from crossing it. In this case there are two boundaries, and they are huge and sometimes enclosed in a bra, but not always.

Now, you may be thinking, Ninja Conrad, didn't you date your mom when you were a baby? I mean, you sucked on her nipples like every day! The answer is, NO, because I drank the milk of Chuck Norris, which is why I am awesome. So you are wrong.

Not everyone wants to remain behind the boundaries of appropriateness I have set. And that is disturbing. I don't want to name names, but some people need to get a girlfriend or a boyfriend and stop hanging out with mom all the damn time. People are starting to talk. Even if she runs up to you and hug you, pressing her glorious knockers against your face, you need to remember that you fell out between her legs once and keep that image in your mind. Then go have a milkshake instead!

Anyway, I'm glad I have this advice column here for people who need more direction in their life. Just think of how many people I have convinced not to have sex with their own mother using this form of media. The world truly is a mysterious place!


	20. My Mind Rebels at Stagnation.

My mind totally rebels at stagnation. And you know what, there's a whole lot of stagnation going down all the time. So my mind is always rebelling against me and stuff. Do you know how hard it is to focus when you're a bodyguard?

Sometimes I just lean against walls and let my mind wander. My boss will be signing papers or whatever the hell he does, and I'll just stand there by the window and have Deep Thoughts. What does it taste like to lick a frog? Do Kohis have skeletal poop? What can I do to make today more awesome than the last? Have I given a dramatic speech lately? How hard did Adelbert have to slap Julia in order to get her to accept his proposal? Why didn't Julia date me? I never slapped her. Though I did fail to protect her from horse poop that one time. She was still pretty hot after though. Maybe I should catch a frog and lick it, just to see.

Of course, I can think and walk at the same time! So sometimes I patrol the halls of the castle acting all cool and important. Why are those soldiers saluting me? Could I change my uniform to a black ninja outfit? Gunter's fashion advice of dressing to match your hair isn't working out. What is the best way to cook a unicorn? Or maybe you wouldn't even cook one, you'd just gnaw on it and eat it raw and bite off the horn. Must look into this.

Oh, and don't forget that flashbacks are awesome. If you're just standing somewhere, have a flashback! Especially if you're awesome like me, because I did so many awesome things in the past and it's good to remember them once in a while to keep things interesting. It doesn't even have to do with anything that's going on at the moment, as long as you're awesome in it. See watch I'm flashing back to when I got shot up with arrows! I bet you didn't notice, but one hit my balls and bounced off, broken, 'cause my balls are made of titanium. That's why my pee is blue. Check out the facts, you'll see I'm right.

Anyway, times at the castle are boring, which is why I like to take little trips to Dai Shimaron like this. You know, look at the stars, break out vigilantes from prison, throw tomatoes at Lanzhil again, stand on rooftops with my hands on my hips while people shout, "It's the Blue Wind! He's so hot! I wonder what he's thinking!" Well, sir, I'm thinking that I need a steak if you want me to protect your family tonight. A unicorn steak. Make it rare.


	21. I am not a Quilter

Some people like to ask me what my hobby is. I mean, my older brother Gwendal knits, and my younger brother Wolfram paints. They are both really crappy at it, too. My room is full of all sorts of nasty looking paintings and knitted fugwear. So people want to know if I have a hobby that I am completely terrible at too! Well, readers, as a matter of fact I do.

And it is NOT QUILTING. Despite what horrible rumors are being spread, Ninja Conrad does not quilt! Can you imagine Ninja Conrad standing there making a blanket? Blankets are stupid and pathetic. Ninja Conrad has no use for blankets. For some reason, someone has decided to spread the horrible rumor that I made all the ugly quilts you see hanging in the castle. As a matter of fact, Gunter quilted those abominations against Shinou, thank you very much. Get your facts straight. I don't quilt.

You see, I carve shit out of blocks of wood. Yeah, there's nothing like grabbing a block of wood and a knife and carving it into some stupid squirrel or some crap like that. That's a badass hobby right there. I stab people to death for a living, and then in my down time I stab pieces of wood over and over until they vaguely resemble an animal or some shit. That's a REAL hobby. Carving shit. Not like quilting. Tell me, can you quilt while leaning against a wall? No, you can't. But you can carve up shit while leaning against a wall. And I do, all the damn time. Just ask my mom, the proud owner of the carved wood chipmunk thingie I gave her for Mothers' Day. It's way more awesome than a stupid painting or knitted banjo. I am now the favored son, all thanks to my ability to carve shit.

You should try it some time. It'll like make you some friends maybe. Just don't be a quilter. Quilters never prosper.


	22. I'm Being Haunted

I'm being haunted by some stupid douche. It kinda happens a lot. Especially when you kill people all the damn time. They don't like it much. So then they follow you around trying to annoy you and you're like, come on man. Don't you have anything better to do with your afterlife?

I mean, if I was dead, I would do so many awesome things! I would go to scenes of violence and steal peoples' kills. About to stab that guy? Oh no! He dropped dead in front of your face! Owned! Gotta be faster than Ghostrad.

If I was dead, I'd go straight to hell and kick the devil's ass. Then I'd go to heaven and be like, hey God, you don't even exist in this mythology. Or do you? And he'd be like, maybe I do, but I don't think hell does. And I'd be like, not anymore, haha!

But most of all, if I was dead, I wouldn't be dead, because I am immortal and will never die. The main lesson you should be learning here is to just be invincible. And for that to happen, you should stay out of my goddamn way. Dumbass.

Anyway, I dunno what this ghost is up to, really. Basically he just watches me have naked time in my ninja hideout a few times each day. And I can't say I blame him, really. If I weren't me I'd want to check that me-ness out, hot damn! But the thing that pisses me off is he keeps pointing at my ninja outfit and laughing. What's so funny? That outfit is badass. Aint no ninja before me who has thought of being a blue ninja. And if you can think of one you are a no-life loser who plays crappy video games instead of being an awesome ninja like me. And in that case, who the hell cares what you think?

I bet that's this guy's problem. He lost once, and now he has to spend eternity being a loser. Now I will use my powers of deception to feign a look of pity. Or is that constipation?

Have I ever taught you all how to feign constipation? Quite handy indeed.

Well, on that note, I need to go take a secret ninja dump! Follow me, ghost. You're in for a treat. Ninja Conrad, out!

Hey, who used all my blue toilet paper?


End file.
